Everyone looking at my life from the outside would have thought there was nothing wrong.  I went to church, sang on the worship team, preached sermons at times.  I had a house, a wife, and a child.  No one would have ever guessed that a pornography addiction was eating away at my family, my life, and my very soul.  I don’t really know when it became an addiction.  All I knew was that it threatened to destroy everything I loved – and, still, I could not stop.  I prayed hundreds of times that God would take it away.  He did not.  I think it was more of my not wanting Him to take it away that was the biggest barrier.  Being sexually molested and exposed to pornography at the age of 11 had a lot to do with it, but I do not blame that experience for the continued addiction.  For most of my life, I felt as though something was wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed to think I was fairly normal.  I did lots of fun and interesting things.  If I would have seen somebody doing all of the neat things I did, I would have been envious of them.  However, weaved into all of that was a struggle that I chose to fight alone.  It was a struggle I did not want anyone to know about.  I did not want to purchase the magazine, but there I went into the store and purchased it.  I did not want to spend thousands of hours downloading image after image, but there I was at the computer until 5:00 am looking.  I was angry, frustrated, scared, defeated, and had no idea what a real relationship was – what love was.  I had even gone to a couple of counselors.  I got some relief when I started letting the secret out.  However, it never stayed away.  My wife knew about it and went through a lot of pain.  I did not know how long she would put up with this.  One would think that the threat of a dissolving marriage would stop me.  It didn’t.  One night after acting out, again, I knew I needed something I had not tried before.  I came across a 12 step group for sex addicts.  I did not think I was one of those, but I thought I would give it a try.  Little did I know that God was beginning to answer my hundreds of prayers.

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I eventually met a guy who was willing to be my sponsor.  He had a lot of conditions I had to meet in order for him to continue to be my sponsor.  It was a lot of work and a lot of time.  I went through the steps and something happened that had never happened before: someone knew everything about me – not just the addiction, but all of the selfish things I had done to others and all of the pain I had caused to others.  In addition, he knew all the pain that I felt, the anger, the frustration, the feelings of inadequacy.  When I had shared everything with him he said, "Welcome to the human race.”  We prayed for God’s forgiveness and power.  Everything changed after that.  There was a connection with others and, ultimately, with God that I had never had before.  

I continued to go to meetings.  I continued to connect with this man and others. I found power in prayer that I had never experienced before.  I had no desire to go back. I had everything that my addiction never gave me: a real connection with Jesus and with others.  I moved to Lakeland and found Celebrate Recovery here at Highland Park.  I continue to go to the Men’s Sexual Addiction Group.  Nothing in my life gives me more satisfaction than sharing with others what was shared with me.  I love seeing people find freedom.  I love seeing relationships restored – though it often is a long and rocky road).  I love sharing God’s story in my life.  I love connecting with others in a real and loving way.

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1 John 1:20 says, “For those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen.”

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I was incapable of loving others, and therefore incapable of loving God.  I hid who I was.  When I finally let that out and continue to let that out in my Celebrate Recovery open share group, I find a powerful relationship with others that I never knew possible before.  Then, in turn, I find my relationship with God is beyond anything I could have imagined. 

I don’t need fake love anymore; I found the real thing.  It has been 6 years since acting out my addiction sexually, and I can not be grateful enough to the program, the fellowship, and the love of my God, Jesus.